dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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