well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Randomize
