I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
