For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
