.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
