i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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