i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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