Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
