He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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