So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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