Betty ford says i'm here all night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
