I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
