It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
