I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
