I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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