While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
