my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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