i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There's always time for handjobs
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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