My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
