If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
