You don't have asthma, your pregnant
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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