He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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