i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
