you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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