The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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