i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
