So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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