you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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