happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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