I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
