Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
