Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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