so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
