I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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