you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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