I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When did angry sex become our thing?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
