i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I did not marry a roomba.
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