god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
