I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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