My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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