Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
