I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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