ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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