there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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