I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
