How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
