I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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