Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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