Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
