Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
